Migraines feel like a slow death, but my cyst-aches feel like a murder… where I am a witness and the victim.
My cyst-ache comes and goes in an instant. Often it begins as a stabbing pain from the middle of my brain toward just above my left ear. Other times it begins as a dull and dizzying pain that fills my skull. However it begins, I shake. I get sick to my stomach. I grow agitated. I cease to make sense. My thoughts turn to the absurd. Time seems endless and flat. My tongue turns to Silly Putty. I literally lose my mind.
And then, as quickly as it began, the pain is gone. I return to whatever I was doing and try to forget the nightmare… until, a minute, day, or week later, when it begins again.
As of now, I have yet to determine if the pain is more frustrating than the uncertainty.
When a cyst-ache begins, nothing feels possible. Life feels as if it is on pause, and I cannot put things in their proper perspective. It is impossible to remember what “normal” feels like. I feel misunderstood… torn between admitting my struggle and faking it.
But I can’t fake it.
I feel like curling up in a ball and crying, or giving up on everything and becoming a recluse. Expectations feel like the weight of the world and serve as ceaseless reminders of my reduced capacity and postponed dreams.
But, that is not today. After weeks of almost constant headaches, the last week has been a tremendous blessing… two headaches in ten days? I’ll take that. And love it, in fact.(All pictures by Kate Blaylock for My Life with Fibro.)