I lose my stomach after almost every meal, and manage to hide it from nearly everyone. I can make it through a full day’s work, even though the first few hours are equivalent to a push start by sheer will power (with assistance from family and friends). I can handle aches, pain, stiffness, dizziness, and fatigue. Heck, I can even stay happy and upbeat when I feel dreadful. I cannot, however, stand these cyst-induced headaches.At least with migraines, I can get sick a few times, go to bed in a pitch black room, eventually fall asleep, and wake up the next morning to what I refer to as a headache hangover. You know, the feeling that you survived having your head beat about with a baseball bat? The feeling that your brain is bruised and you are thinking through cheesecloth soaked in glycerine?
Migraines feel like a slow death, but my cyst-aches feel like a murder… where I am a witness and the victim.
My cyst-ache comes and goes in an instant. Often it begins as a stabbing pain from the middle of my brain toward just above my left ear. Other times it begins as a dull and dizzying pain that fills my skull. However it begins, I shake. I get sick to my stomach. I grow agitated. I cease to make sense. My thoughts turn to the absurd. Time seems endless and flat. My tongue turns to Silly Putty. I literally lose my mind.
And then, as quickly as it began, the pain is gone. I return to whatever I was doing and try to forget the nightmare… until, a minute, day, or week later, when it begins again.
As of now, I have yet to determine if the pain is more frustrating than the uncertainty.
When a cyst-ache begins, nothing feels possible. Life feels as if it is on pause, and I cannot put things in their proper perspective. It is impossible to remember what “normal” feels like. I feel misunderstood… torn between admitting my struggle and faking it.
But I can’t fake it.
I feel like curling up in a ball and crying, or giving up on everything and becoming a recluse. Expectations feel like the weight of the world and serve as ceaseless reminders of my reduced capacity and postponed dreams.
But, that is not today. After weeks of almost constant headaches, the last week has been a tremendous blessing… two headaches in ten days? I’ll take that. And love it, in fact.
(All pictures by Kate Blaylock for My Life with Fibro.)
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