I’ve pondered how best to relate the events of the last month, and have decided to be most open and share the notes I wrote for myself , while in Arizona.  These will read a bit more like a journal than you may be accustomed to, but I make no apologies.

January 4, 2010

Tonight Mom and I flew to Phoenix, via Denver… an airport I love.  Loads of open space, lots of light, and plenty of room to sit, on my butt, along the people mover.  I ate a cheese pizza from Pizza Hut.  It was good, but I hate that I ate it.  So quickly, too.  Why?

There was some confusion regarding our seats, so we asked for an emergency exit row.  We got one, and ended up in the first economy row… you know the one with nothing but six feet of open space in front of you and endless opportunities to watch flight attendants stare back at you?  The one so close to the door that you notice the gap between the door and the wall of the aircraft and the girl next to you asks, “Does that look closed to you?!”

The plane was totally full, and because of the extra leg room we had to put our bags in the overhead bins.  I kept my DS, but spent much of the flight wondering why the flight attendants were so stressed, and watching the one with short hair complete her Sudoku puzzle.  She wasn’t much good… I could see obvious answers, and I was at least five feet away.  But that doesn’t matter.  We landed safely at PHX and here we are, at my in-laws.

My appointment is at 11:00 am tomorrow at the Mayo Clinic hospital on the north side of Phoenix.  Looks like it’ll be a half hour drive with minimal traffic.  I can’t decide how I feel about this trip… but I do know I am excited to spend more time with the puppies (My mother-in-law’s dog had a dozen puppies on December 16.)

With Thanksgiving, and both family Christmases I haven’t had much time to think about tomorrow… until tonight.  During the flight I let my mind wander.  I worry a bit about the details, which is stupid.  They always work out.  And I just kept thinking about all the people who have faith and are offering prayers on my behalf.  I am humbled by their concern and pray they are blessed for their kindness.  Although I know I shouldn’t, I am a bit uncomfortable with their attention.

For the past two months I have let down many people, yet none of them has made me feel badly for doing so.  In fact, they continue to serve and assist without being asked.  I know I would do the same in return, but I certainly do not feel deserving.  In fact, I am growing accustomed to the dizzies and the tinnitus and seeing starsand I am learning to compensate for the depth-perception issues.  Feeling dreadful is beginning to feel normal. (I think this frightens some of my loved ones.)

At church I work with the two and three year olds… lately I haven’t given them the attention they deserve.  I can barely pick them up for fear of falling with them in my arms.  They deserve a Kate with more energy and a consistent presence and I can’t wait to get feeling better and get back in the Nursery with them.

Our home is still decorated for Christmas.  I told Daniel not to worry about taking the decorations down while I am away.  To be honest, I am not sure if I said that because I am a control freak and want to organize them as we put them away, or because I am a sentimental fool and I can’t stand to miss a bit of Christmas… even the melancholy bits.  I’d guess a bit of both.

My grandparents are still visiting for Christmas.  We left them there with Dad and Daniel.  They will be fine, but I feel like a terrible host… because I don’t feel that poorly about leaving them there.  At this point, I feel so poorly everyday, that I’d give up time with just about anyone to feel better.  Good thing, I suppose, because that is essentially what I am doing… ditching everything for as long as needed.  I pray it proves worth the risk.

Now, with all these ramblings, I am off to bed.