Before I complete my previous post on being overwhelmed with (not by) fibromyalgia, I must write the following post on being overwhelmed by (not with) fibromyalgia.

I am the sort that likes to plan.  I am not the sort that likes to stick to said plan.  I wish I were.  But, if I were, I think I would stick to my plans more than I do.  I allow one activity to take longer than originally planned.  I begin an unplanned activity.  I get sidetracked by the plans others make.  So, to be honest, I plan simply to feel prepared.  I do not plan to know what I will be doing when and where.  Fibromyalgia makes the latter type of planning nearly impossible.  And for that, today I hate it (fibromyalgia, not the aforementioned fact).  I am overwhelmed and feeling out of control of my life.

Until lately, I thought my love of planning was inherited from my mother and her mother.  Or, at least I thought it was an environmental thing.  But, to be honest, I think I could easily explain my love of planning in a totally different way by simply identifying what I love about planning.  As mentioned above I like feeling prepared.  That is true.  However, mostly I like to plan because I can imagine feeling 100%.  I can imagine how my day would go if I woke up with energy, no pain, and a clear mind.  I can imagine lasting until the end of the day without a nap and getting numerous items checked off my to do list.  I can imagine being able to prioritize without getting lost in my foggy brain.  I can imagine my day going just as planned (or at least I can imagine my day not being derailed due to something related to my health).

Today I wish I could plan my days, and weeks, and months, and years, and life.  I wish I could plan more than one goal per day.  I wish I could just map out all the things I want to do, try, and learn on a giant calendar and start clicking them off, knowing I will get to each of them.   I wish I could… And I know I can.  I just need to figure out my realities, my priorities, and my capabilities.  But each time I try to think this through I wander off on some mental detour.

I think I need a vacation.  Maybe Aunt Linda’s place at Cholla Bay.  Or a few days at Zuma.

I promise I’ll be over this by tonight.  Until then Imogen Heap and the Red Album will keep me company.

P.S. I just remembered I have a date with my dad tonight!  AAF AAR & Journey.  This should be fun.