When I woke up this morning my mind seemed to already be thinking about how living with constant health issues, small or significant or quite painful, has defined / refined / smoothed / taught / humbled / made me. While the ways seem endless, above all, my health issues have truly tempered me and my tendencies. So, since I know you know what I mean, I’ll be sharing some as they come to mind.
Lately I’ve thought a lot about all the time I spend in some state of uncertainty.
You know the drill.
- “Am I getting sick, or is this a flare?”
- “Is this IBS or an allergy or food poisoning?”
- “Am I not getting good sleep, or is this my CFS?”
- “When will my POTS correct itself?”
- “Will I always feel like this?”
- “What made today a good day?”
- “Did I over do it?”
Although my family faced bouts of uncertainty while I was growing up, I remember vividly the first time I faced it as an adult. At least the first time I faced an uncertainty of true weight…
Daniel graduated in August of 2006 and continued to work full time at a residential treatment center until I graduated the next April. As we neared time for my graduation, I began interviewing for positions around the country. We knew he wanted to attend graduate school, but we also knew we’d have to decide how to respond to my job offers long before we’d know the status of his grad school applications.
I remember many nights heading to bed in our basement apartment with my mind racing through scenarios, everyone ending with me acknowledging it was all a bit bigger than my tired mind could tidy before I fell asleep, or gave up on sleep and headed to classes.
Then, something changed. I don’t remember who got me there, but I remember one evening, as we closed the day with a prayer, I realized I had to give it to God. I couldn’t see the big picture, and make sure the events fell into place just so, but I could do my best in school, rock my interviews, support Daniel in his application process, and then put my faith in Heavenly Father to make it enough. To sort it all out and give us a hint. Or, in our case, a very strong suggestion from someone dear to us (because it never seems to be just a hint in our marriage).
So, I did.
And then, I got to work making life happen. In the best way possible.
It wasn’t long before truly amazing things happened (much thanks to inspired friends and family who spoke up) to land us here, in Arkansas, house sitting for a remarkable family for three years, with two challenging and stable jobs, a new car, and the perfect bilingual graduate program for Daniel.
It’s now been over five years since we moved to Arkansas. And in those five years, we’ve seen tremendous blessings come into our life, faced issues we did not expect, met people we will love forever, and had many opportunities to remember that…
Uncertainty really can be glorious. Especially if you let it work for you.
While it tries our heart and stretches our soul, I believe it refines us. It reminds us to be happy with a good day, today. To be and do our best, always. To keep track of, and give thanks for, small wins. To have patience with ourselves… as we wait for a good day, and in all things.
Luckily for me, the most significant bits of my life are certain. I have security in all the things I truly need, I’m just still really learning that last one. I assume I will always be… But, for now, I am proud to see the patience with which I try to face days in the frustrating middle ground, feeling better than awful and worse than great. My patience truly is ever-increasing.